Denial was the only escape I knew. To bask in reality was a problem for later, for when everything would be perfect.
But this, here, was the perfection I tirelessly sought. One that I thought I could jump right into, and all else would be history.
Such black and white logic was bound to be a fallacy, but in the pursuit of a distant dream, it seemed infallible.
Ill-equipped as I was, the struggles came hard and unexpected, and translated into anxiety and fear. Although this time, there was no more denying; I was honest with my feelings.
They were heavy. So much so that I couldn’t slow down. Couldn’t bear a moment of silence. Couldn’t breathe, or even look up. I began to throw away away things, give up others, to make room for all that I had to carry. I learned to forgo the false expectations, and self-induced disappointments. Luckily, sanity remained, as I slowly transitioned into a world of hard truths, stripped of all the glory that only existed in my mind.
Summer is half over, but this game of catch-up isn’t ending anytime soon. If true exhaustion is the ultimate destination, I believe I’m not far.
Far are those days where I awoke to the sound of birds chirping, hiked rocky mountains, watched sunsets by the river, and spent hours after hours in blissful silence. When was that, if not a lifetime ago, another world away?
It took much mindless living and doing, to reacquaint with that profound clarity I’d once had but soon lost. I searched many corners of the world for it, only to find it here. A place so close yet unknown to me.
The first glimpse of summer caught me by surprise, and made me wonder where I have been all winter.
Was it denial, or unwilling acceptance?
It’s still all so foreign, yet reminds me of the past.
Nostalgia isn’t a feeling I experience often, or even understand. There has never been consolation in reminiscences, only hope in new pursuits.
Adventure comes at a price. Willing as I was, to take a risk, and make any sacrifice possible, I’m not without fear. It’s never of absolute certainty, if it is a step forward, or around the circle.
But the best lessons have already been taught, the best privileges granted. There’s no reason, not to try.
Friday night. And practice continues. After five years of living free and easy, this life in the fast lane has yet to hit home.
Of course, all is voluntary. Whatever I asked for, I’m getting double the dose of it.
If my dream were to go back in time, and change how the past was written, this would come as close as it could be.
The road that was almost too long to travel, took me here before I gave up altogether. Thankfully.
Not an easy goodbye to wave, to the journey that’s now behind me. Neither do I feel nearly as ready, to face all that’s ahead. Why did no one ever tell me, that a pursuit never ends? It only changes.
In all that wishing for the impossible, I cajoled myself into thinking how far I was, only to miss how close I could’ve been. A very fine line, between dreaming, and living a dream, one that I hesitated long enough to draw.
Stubbornness took me so far as to hold on to my far-fetched, seemingly unrealistic, and slightly absurd ambitions. Then I wandered, doubted, waited, and waited.
Little did I know, I was ready and able.
After living out of a suitcase for about a month or so, I’ve moved on to living out of a couple of suitcases. Who would’ve thought finding shelter would be such hassle?
BUT. Despite being ‘homeless,’ and all other things that are less than satisfactory, or perhaps by that I meant falling short of perfection, I owe a debt of gratitude to all that I have and have been given.
The longest wait has ended. The anxiously repetitive days ended. Worries eased. Changes happened.
Where I would rather be, if not here and now?
No longer is life a dream too far. All the other problems are only minor.
I haven’t known you for long. Just about long enough to be charmed.
I followed my heart, and your footsteps. Fearless, hopeful.
Isn’t it a blessing in itself, that fate brought me to you, time and again?
For the journey you’ve taken me on, there is nothing more to ask.
Longest hiatus ever. Surprising as it may be, I actually managed to get a life outside the confines of the interwebs.
But worry not, I’ve finally found myself some time at hand, and a little peace in mind.
Summer was short but felt incredibly long. I had a lot on my mind, and equally much on my hands. Only there was never enough time, to clear the to-do list, or my head.
At least, between being hard at work and being consumed by random thoughts, I found new friendships, rekindled old ones, and enjoyed being a nomad.
It all came a little too late. Late enough for me to have learned a few of life’s best lessons. I still held on to that ‘dream,’ although knowing full well it isn’t about getting there anymore.
No lost time can ever be made up for, but there is now and the next moment to live.
So the simple and frugal life continues. Time is mostly spent on listening to jazzy love songs. And learning to play a few.
Every so often I listen to friends tell their stories in love. The search, the thrill, the hopeful thoughts, and the inevitable letdowns.
The perfect ending, too perfectly imagined at the very beginning.
If only we could be at absolute ease with life’s unknowns. More often than not, it’s the thoughts and emotions that get the better of us.
Lucky enough to be spared most of the day-to-day stressors, my life now is truly a luxury in disguise. One that I sometimes dread but try to relish. And one that will end before I know it.
Like everything else. It ends to start anew, and begins with another end awaiting.